Tales of the Marauders
by Prongywong
Summary: Random stories of the Marauders days at Hogwarts, and all the mischief they get up to.
1. Genie's got a girlfriend

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters or anything. It's all JK Rowling.

_Ill try to post a chapter a day. Read & Review :D_

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1) Genie's got a girlfriend

As usual, the Marauders were bored. As they strolled along the corridors, Sirius and James were losing their minds and Remus was losing his patience.

"Can't we go to the library or something? I have to do that Potions essay," he wailed

"Moony, you are the biggest loser I've ever come across!" retorted Sirius, while James just stared at Remus in disbelief.

"We need to do some serious pranking man!" said James, regretting it immediately.

"SERIOUS PRANKING?! As in pranking Sirius? Prongs, I am appalled. You are unworthy of being a marauder."

At this, Remus just rolled his eyes, whereas James started to beg for forgiveness, very dramatically. It was Lupin's worst nightmare: public displays of affection.

He turned away and began to walk in the direction of the library. James got up off the floor, and looked down the corridor after Moony.

"Dobby's sock! Padfoot?"

"What?"

"You'll never guess what!"

"What?"

"It's unbelievable..."

"Prongs, anytime soon?"

"I see a Genie! Talking to a GIRL!" he cried gleefully. Genie was a first-year boy who was one of the marauders' favourite targets. They didn't even know what his real name was, but Genie suited him much more.

The tiny boy was sitting on a windowsill laughing and chatting to an even smaller girl.

"Merlin's beard!" yelled Sirius, "looks like they're having fun. We need to fix that." With wide grins on their faces, the two boys sprinted down the corridor and skidded to a halt.

Unfortunately, the girl had already started walking away from them.

"Hey Genie!" said James, cheerfully

"What the hell do you want?" snapped Genie. He had really grown to hate those two miscreants.

"Now now Genie! We only want to help you..." Sirius said mysteriously

"With what!" the kid was really getting angry now.

"Your love life!" grinned James, "Is that your girlfriend?"

"Genie's got a girlfriend!" sang Sirius

"She's not my girlfriend! She's just a friend!" he argued

"GENIE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" they sang, even louder.

"Shut the hell up, you divs" Genie shouted.

James clutched his chest in mock agony.

"Merlin's pants! He called me a... a.... a..." at this point James collapsed to against the opposite wall and slid to the floor.

"James! Prongs! Look at me!" Sirius knelt at his side. Genie watched the scene, wondering whether or not to laugh.

"I see ... a light!" James whispered.

"Don't go into the light!" wailed Sirius, but James had already doubled up in fits of laughter.

"That was classic!" he cheered, "Did you see Genie's face?" Sirius looked up to see that the kid had an ugly scowl on his face.

"I think Genie needs a little revenge for insulting you so much, Prongs" smirked Sirius

"Ah. I agree with you Pads. I reckon we can still catch up with that girl. She can't have gone far..." Both boys were grinning broadly, causing a few second-year girls to hyperventilate. They had that effect on most girls.

Once again, they dashed down the corridor after the little girl. As they ran, they could hear Genie's frantic shouts behind.

"Marcy! Marcy run away from them!" he screamed, attracting the attention of a furious Filch.

As Marcy turned around, she saw two insane boys charging at her. She turned around and ran as fast as her little legs would carry her, but eventually, she tired and started to walk again. James and Sirius eventually caught up with her, beaming from ear to ear.

"Hey Marcy!" said James

"Marcy, do you love Genie? Are you going out with Genie?!" urged Sirius, cheekily. Marcy flushed a deep crimson.

"No," she muttered, "and his name isn't Genie!"

"Yeah whatever," smirked James, "but you love him right? 'Cos he luuurves you!"

"Yeah he's a bit obsessed with you actually," Sirius joined in, "He wrote 'I love Marcy' on all his school books, and he magically carved G+M onto the tables in the common room."

"It's seriously creepy. We just think that you should know."

"Yeah he's becoming a bit of a stalker..."

"We're worried for your health..."

"And his. Mental health that is..."

"Yeah he's mental..."

The poor little girl looked absolutely horror-struck. She wasn't sure whether or not to believe these mischievous boys.

"So," said Sirius, "will you go out with him?"

"No!" she cried

"What!?!" yelled James, "that is SO rude little girl! I think you should go out with him!"

"Yeah, he's just a poor misguided soul..."

"He doesn't know where he's going or where he came from..."

"Ha! He doesn't know where he came from! That's funny dude."

"Guess he hasn't had the talk with McGonagall"

"He should count himself lucky, that was the most awkward talk ever."

"Yeah, Moony passed out when she started talking about ... it."

"Who knew McGonagall knew so much..."

"It's all that experience with Dumbledore I guess..."

"What? I thought Dumbledore was gay?"

"Yeah but even HE's had an interesting history"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Marcy had finally found the courage to talk, "Leave me alone!"

She stormed off to the Hufflepuff common room to tell her friends about her run-in with the famous James Potter and Sirius Black.

"Chicks!" muttered James

"Tell me about it..." sighed Sirius.


	2. Is Splenderous even a real word?

**Disclaimer: Its all J.'s stuff. **

**Also, I don't have anything against gay people or anything. I just thought that Remus would be quite annoyed at this. :/**

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As James and Sirius walked along the abandoned corridors, they plotted ways of getting back at Remus. He needed to be punished for his cruel acts earlier...

**An hour before...**

"JAMES POTTER! SIRIUS BLACK! GET YOUR FAT ARSES UP HERE NOW! Remus yelled down the stairs into the common room. All the Gryffindor students looked up and shuddered. They'd been on the receiving end of his temper before. In fact, the only two people who didn't look remotely scared were James and Sirius.

They grinned cheekily at each other and called sweetly up the stairs, "Coming Moony!" As they walked into the dormitory, they looked at Remus' tortured expression and the piles of stuff that were scattered over the entire room. Peter was whimpering in the corner.

"Is it that time of the month Moony?" Sirius asked innocently

"Yeah, and what's all this about fat arses? I believe you have the biggest arse in this room. How else did you get that nickname?" James smiled.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY POTTER! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MY ARITHMANCY BOOK?!" he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Ah, the Arithmancy book..."

"Wasn't that the one which we used to...?"

"Uh-oh. I think so..."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?! I HAVE A TEST TOMORROW!"

"Relax Moony, don't worry about it," said James

"Besides, the Giant Squid is probably putting it to much better use..." muttered Sirius

"Yeah. Who uses books to study these days anyway?"

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU... YOU IDIOTIC ... IDIOTS!" he yelled

"Moony, you can't say idiotic idiots" James pointed out

"It's an oxymoron!" said Sirius joyfully

"IT IS NOT AN OXYMORON! YOU ARE SO STUPID!"

"No need to be rude..."

"ARGH!" he growled, "I'VE HAD IT! IT'S TIME FOR THE EMERGENCY SUPPLIES"

"Stop talking in caps lock. It's starting to get annoying..." said Sirius

"Moony? Remus, what are you doing?" Remus was searching under his pillow. "Leave that there! HEY?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING MOONY?!"

"Again with the capitals... why is the world so angry?" pondered Sirius.

Lily Evans was sitting in the common room reading when she saw a maniacal Remus running towards her with a photo in his hand. She wondered whether or not to run away. However she stayed in her seat and stared at the boy with a bemused expression.

"Moony you'd better not show Evans that picture!" James followed Remus down the staircase.

"Lily! Wanna see what James looks like in the mornings?" Remus screamed, throwing the photo in her direction.

The red-headed girl picked up the photo unenthusiastically and stared at it, resisting the urge to laugh. Sirius on the other hand was rolling around on the floor, clutching on his stomach and cackling at his friend.

"Well... it sure is something..." she muttered, still staring at the picture. James just stood next to her sheepishly.

"Well that's what you get, you stupid immature boys," said Remus smugly.

Sirius straightened up. He knew what was coming. Revenge.

As the boys departed in separate directions, Lily Evans couldn't help but think that James Potter looked incredibly good-looking, even first thing in the morning.

**One hour later...**

"Let's set his robes on fire," suggested Sirius

"We did it last week," muttered James

"Erm ... tell Moaning Myrtle that he's got a thing for spotty, greasy, complaining ghosts?"

"We did that to Snivellus..." groaned James,

"Erm..." the boys had prankers' block, and they couldn't find a way to overcome it.

"I have an idea," exclaimed James, "What does Moony hate the most?"

"His arse?"

"No. He hates it when we call him gay..." said James slowly

"Ohhh!" cried Sirius. "Oh wait. I still don't get it."

"We tell people in the school that he's gay."

"How cliché..."

"I know, but it'll get on his nerves right?"

"Yeah!" both boys excitedly made their way to the 6th floor, where they would find the portrait of good old Sir Cadagon. He was possibly the biggest gossip in the castle and the one of the only portrait inhabitants who would be bothered to spread the rumour far and wide.

"Hey! Cadagon!" yelled Sirius

"That's _Sir_ Cadagon to you. Filthy villain. What matter could be important enough to wake me from my splenderous sleep?"

"Is splenderous even a real word?" Sirius whispered to James

Ignoring his friend, James spoke to the portrait. "Sir Cadagon. We have some _excellent_ gossip for you."

Sir Cadagon sat up straight on his white horse and seemed to be paying attention for once.

"You know Remus Lupin?" the knight nodded, "We think that he may be gay." James paused for dramatic effect while Sirius was hiding behind a tapestry so Sir Cadagon couldn't see him laughing.

"I always thought he was..." mused Sir Cadagon, "I have a fifth sense about these things you see. I've always thought of myself as the most perceptive portrait in this school..." he continued in this pompous manner.

James and Sirius ran away, knowing that revenge is as sweet as a honeydukes' sugar quill.

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_Eek. It's not very well written is it...  
Or a very good idea...  
Read & Review please x  
Actually ... maybe you shouldn't review, seeing as its so crap :P_


	3. Moonys been doin things with house elves

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and no-one. Unfortunately. **

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History of Magic. Friday afternoon. Sweltering hot day. All the ingredients for trouble with James & Sirius.

The four marauders sat in a row at the back of the dusty classroom. As usual, Remus was taking notes for all of them to share. Not that he knew he was going to share them.

James and Sirius had eventually got bored of playing silly muggle games on their parchment.

In fact, they had managed to get a hold of Remus' school bag and were now searching through it for something to play with.

"Merlin's pants!" exclaimed James, producing a miniature house elf

"Oh no! Not another _house elf_!" cried Sirius, "I get enough of Kreacher at home!"

"No but this one's really cute!" cooed James, poking the little thing, who was now trying to polish his fingers. "Let's name it!"

"Umodus?" suggested Sirius

"Billy-bob?" proposed James

"Lavadok?"

"Charlie?"

"Xaviosten?"

"Maria?"

"Ghrantlerst?"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep suggesting the most disgusting names known to wizard?" asked James, incredulously.

"I don't like house elves" scowled Sirius.

"Whatever. How about..."

"Conrad?" Remus piped up.

The other boys jumped.

"Don't scare us like that Moony!" said Sirius

"Did you say ... Conrad?" asked James. Remus nodded "I like it. It suits the little monster!"

"Ok.. but can I have him back?" asked Remus. "He likes to live in my school bag..."

The others spluttered with laughter.

"Sure you can... _mummy!_" they snorted

Great Hall. Saturday morning. Feeding time for Conrad.

"Come on Conrad. Eat the toast. Eaaaat iiiit!" coaxed James, trying to shove toast into the elf's mouth. Sirius watched from the other side of the table glaring at the stupid creature that had stolen his best friend's attention.

"That's my boy. Or girl. Which is it Moony?" asked James.

"A boy" answered Remus

"Jeez Moony? How d'you find that out?" chuckled Sirius

"Ooh. Moony's been doing _things_ with house elves..." said Peter in a sinister voice

"Hmph," said Remus while James finished feeding Conrad. As he set him down on the table, the little house elf started scrubbing the table clean, working his way around until their section of the table was gleaming. James just watched in admiration.

"James is obsessed with this thing," muttered Sirius gloomily.

Further down the table, Lily Evans sat with her friends quietly. She wasn't eating. She wasn't chatting animatedly like the rest of them. She was wondering.

She was wondering why the hell James Potter hadn't talked to her since yesterday at lunchtime. Normally he tried to ask her out every time he saw her, but not today.

She couldn't help but feel ignored.

Late that night, while James was playing quidditch with some girls outside and Remus was at the library, Sirius crept into their dormitory wearing black clothes and black gloves.

_Lumos_ he muttered, to light the way. He silently crept over to Remus' trunk where he kept his school bag.

Suddenly, all of the lights flooded on and Sirius turned around to see Peter standing in the doorway.

"Peter!" wailed Sirius, "You ruined my badass criminal scene!"

"What?" squeaked Peter

"I was being so cool! With my black clothes and my creeping along and..." he trailed off looking very disappointed.

"What were you even trying to do?" asked Peter

"I was _trying _to steal that stupid house elf and give it some clothes to set it free,"

Peter gasped. "Sirius! How could you! Why would you do that to James and Remus?!"

"Cos I don't like house elves. But I guess my plan is foiled now." He sighed ostentatiously and walked out the room.

Peter sat on the bed, feeling very proud of himself for stopping a crime.

_The next day..._

"So James, where's that idiotic house elf?" asked Sirius moodily

"Oh he bit me so I threw him off the astronomy tower. Don't tell Remus" James winked.

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_Read & Review? x_


	4. Let's do something to Copper

**Dislcaimer: **I own nothing and no-one

_Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. _

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"I hate History of Magic," muttered Sirius.

"Who doesn't?" James sighed, "Let's do something to Copper,"

Sirius grinned, staring at Cole Copper, the annoying Hufflepuff midget sitting in front of them. Checking that Binns wasn't watching, Sirius raised his wand and levitated Cole's quill out of his bag.

"Where should I put it?" he asked, as the quill hovered above Cole's head

"Under his chair," James chuckled, and Sirius did.

"Now what?" he said

"Take his Ancient Runes book," Sirius did the same thing as he did to the quill, and repeated it with the rest of his stuff.

Slowly but surely, a large pile of stuff had formed, under Cole's chair. And he still hadn't noticed. Most of the class was watching with amusement, while the boy took notes, oblivious to all the action around him.

The bell rang loudly, signalling the end of class.

"What the hell..." Cole cried, looking at all his belongings, piled underneath his chair.

He failed to notice the four boys scurrying out of the classroom in fits of laughter.

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_Reviews please? x_


	5. His name is Paul!

Oh yeah! Genie's back! I own nothing dude.

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"Genie!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up behind the unsuspecting boy. He slowly turned around.

"What!" he said viciously, as Remus and James doubled up with laughter. Even Peter was giggling slightly.

"We just wanted to talk to you," Sirius smiled sweetly

"Hmph," Genie was still angry about the _Marcy_ incident.

"So, wassup dude?" James grinned

"How's it hanging?"

"We're hippies!"

"Have you found your inner peace within yet?"

"Peace out!"

"You're such freaks!" Genie exclaimed

"Wanna see my luminous yellow socks!" Sirius said, excitedly

"No,"

"Oh well that's just rude..." James shook his head, disapprovingly

"Incredibly rude," Sirius agreed

"I feel bullied,"

"Definitely,"

"Let's go to Professor Dumbledore,"

"No, Professor McGonagall!"

"What is it with you and Minnie?"

"Minnie?" Genie asked, bewildered

"Minerva McGonagall! Keep up little boy!" James exclaimed

"I like her..." Sirius said dreamily

"O...k"

"I don't know all your names," Genie piped up, in his unusually squeaky voice. "I know James and Sirius but..."

"That's Remus" said James, pointing in his direction

"And you?" Genie said to Peter, "I know this ... it's Peter right? No Parker! It's Parker?"

"No it's – " Peter began, but was rudely interrupted by Sirius

"His name is Paul," he said, abruptly

"Paul! That's it," Genie said smugly

"But it's – " Peter tried to correct him

"So! Genie! We heard that Marcy hates you," James said

"No! She does NOT" the boy said, his face red.

"I'm afraid she does," Sirius said glumly

"It's true" Remus joined in

"Hmph."

"My name is – "

"Genie! Do you take potions?" Sirius asked

"Everyone takes potions in our year..."

"Do you eat toast?"

"Erm probably..."

"Do you have green toenails?"

"I don't think so..."

Sirius continued asking strange, but distracting questions as James cast a silencing charm on Peter.

"I hate you guys!" Genie squealed

"We hate you too," Remus grinned

"Except Paul, he hasn't done anything,"

"Why do you call him Paul?" James asked innocently

"Where the hell did Paul come from?" Sirius questioned

"But you said – "

"Peter, what's your name?" James removed the silencing charm

"Peter! I've been – "

"See! You are a bad person Genie!" Sirius interrupted

"Tut tut..." James smiled coyly.

Genie scowled.

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_Review please? x_


	6. I like your ear hair

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am SO getting tired of writing this :|**

_Thanks for all the reviews. I love reviews. Hint Hint Hint. _

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"Hey Sirius," James said across the table in the Great Hall, "It's your cousins boyfriend!"

"Ted Tonks!" Sirius cried gleefully

"Teddy!"

"Tonkywonk!"

"T.T!"

"Let's go say hello..." Sirius grinned mysteriously. The two boys walked over to the Hufflepuff table and sat down either side of Ted Tonks.

"Hey Teddy," James smiled playfully

"Erm .. hi.." he replied nervously

"So Ted," Sirius said abruptly with a solemn expression on his face, "What are your intentions with my cousin?"

"What are you gonna _do_ with our 'Dromeda?" James demanded

"I – I er – " Ted stuttered

"Your hair is funny!" Sirius burst out happily

"What's with the change of emotion?" asked Ted

"What change of emotion?" James replied, "I like your ear hair!"

"It's curly!"

"It's fluffy!"

"It's so pretty!"

"I DON'T HAVE EAR HAIR!" Ted yelled, getting up from the table and storming off.

James and Sirius followed.

"Leave me alone!" he wailed, in an unusually high-pitched voice, as the two boys repeatedly flicked his ears, "I hate you guys,"

"Oh we love you too!"

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_Soz, it's quite short. I'll update soon.  
I love writing this shizz :)  
Reviews? x_


	7. Da da da daaaa!

**Characters belong to JKR. **

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Potions can be so disgusting sometimes. Especially when the marauders have to sit next to Snivellus. Peter and Remus sat on one side of him, while James and Sirius sat on the other. How lucky they were.

"Sluggy's late," Sirius grinned at James, "Go steal Snivellus' chair,"

"Yeah," James cheered and levitated Snape's chair out of the window. It landed in the lake with a splash. Sirius roared with laughter.

Professor Slughorn entered the dungeon, and they all scrambled to their seats.

Snape summoned another boy's chair, causing the poor boy to fall over. The class chuckled.

"10 points from Slytherin," sighed Slughorn, unhappily, producing another chair for the young injured boy.

"Tut tut, Snivellus," James mocked, as Sirius sniggered loudly

"Stupe-" Snape started to curse Sirius, but James lazily deflected it

"Professor!" Sirius cried indignantly, "Snivellus tried to curse me!"

The class chuckled again

"Detention Severus," Slughorn moaned. He hated punishing his own house, "and don't do it again!"

Snape went red and got to work, with his head down.

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"Poke," said James, 20 minutes later, poking Snape repeatedly, "Poke."

"Poke"

"Poke"

"Poke"

"STOP IT POTTER," Snape cried angrily,

"Stop what?" James asked

"Yeah stop what?" Sirius repeated

"Yeah stop what?" Remus joined in

"Yeah stop what?" Peter added

"Go away,"

"I can't," James smirked, "Class isn't over yet, Snivvy,"

"Shut it," he snarled

"Shut what?"

"Yeah shut what?"

"Yeah shut what?"

"Yeah shut what?" the three voices added in canon

"Quieten down," came the booming voice of Horace Slughorn

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"Da da da daaaa!" hummed James quietly, to the tune of the bridal march

"Da da da daaaa," Sirius joined in and slowly but surely the others marauders started singing it too

"Here comes the bride!" James and Sirius burst into song, singing to Snape

"What the hell?!" he screeched, "I JUST DON'T GET IT!"

"Severus," Slughorn warned, as Snape threw himself onto the floor in a full-fledged temper tantrum.

"He's finally cracked," sighed Remus.

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_Hehe. It's fun to torment Remus.  
I think Lily could start appearing in these stories, soon  
Tell me if you disagree, and give me any suggestions :)  
Reviews? x_


	8. O sweet Lily flower

**O sweet Lily flower!**

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"O sweet Lily flower!" James sang at the top of his voice,

"Potter just get down," Lily sighed, exasperatedly

"OH I LOVE YOU MY LILY FLOWER. I DO I DO LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU!" he bellowed, completely out of tune.

Most of the common room had their hands over their ears, and were booing and hissing loudly.

Remus and Sirius picked James up, by the armpits, and dragging him backwards to the dormitories. They dumped him on the bed and looked down, pityingly.

"What was that for?" James asked hoarsely

"Being an idiot," they replied simultaneously

"Hmph," James huffed, "Your mother,"

"What?" Remus asked,

"He's insulting us," Sirius gasped, "Your _father!"_ he retorted

"Your face!"

"Your arse!"

"You suck!"

"You ... blow!" both boys were rolling around laughing, at the ridiculousness of their conversation.

"Nice.." Remus sighed, and walked away.

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_Reviews pleeeease? x_


	9. He who must not be freed

"Let's go to the kitchens," Sirius suggested, hungrily

"Yeah, I like them house-elves" James grinned

"Ugh," the two boys set off to the kitchens, tickled the pear and strutted through the door.

"Masters James and Sirius are here!" squeaked a young elf, by the name of Horatia.

"Hello Horatia," James smiled

"Horatia... what _is_ your last name anyway, Hor?" Sirius asked

"We elves is not having last names, sir," Horatia giggled, "Horatia Elf is my name,"

"Horatia Elf," James snickered

"Initials H.E." Sirius grinned

"Like He."

"As in He-who-must-not-be-named"

"More like He-who-must-not-be-_freed!"_ James chuckled

"Yeah or the Dark Elf,"

"Or You-Know-What!" they were rolling around laughing as the poor house-elf just watched, bemused.

"So – ahem – could we have some food?" James asked nervously, as Sirius suppressed a laugh

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_Soz its really short. I wanted to get started on another story .. :)  
Reviews? x_


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